To say that this journey of having a baby has been a roller coaster ride is an understatement. And sharing it with the world has been difficult for me because I was not the type of person to share my deepest emotions and struggles with the world.
The truth is, I have never learned more in a life experience than I have in this one. And sharing it with all of you has been more helpful and comforting than I could’ve ever imagined. I am so grateful to have so many friends and family in my corner supporting me as I have gone through this. I have also learned so much about myself and my body.
A few days ago I decided to stop the progesterone treatment. I had every side effect listed on the package and felt like a zombie. My libido was non existent. I had brain fog so bad I felt like I was having an outer body experience. I was not getting any restorative sleep and was moody as hell. My husband and I were fighting and I was emotionally unavailable. I wasn’t myself in any way shape or form. I was a shell of a person unable to be present for anyone.
So, I made a decision to listen to my body, for once!
It is so hard to say this, but my health is something I need to value over getting pregnant. Months ago I would’ve told you that I would do anything, ANYTHING, to have a baby no matter what the cost. But, I cannot compromise my body and relationship with my family solely because I want to get pregnant.
I have also come to a realization that I have been spending so much time focusing on the baby I want, that I have not spent enough time with the “baby” (well 5 year old) I have. I just registered him for kindergarten today and the thought of him being gone all day every day at school makes my heart break. 5 years have gone by so fast! All I can think about is how much I am going to miss our days together, watching movies and painting.
I am choosing to change my focus to my son. I am choosing to spend time with him and be in the moment with him until it is time for him to go to school full time. I will never again have this time with him at this age.
But let’s be honest. This is really about acceptance. And accepting things for what they are has been one of the hardest things I have had to do in this life.
I have decided to accept that this is my journey, whether a baby is in my future or not. I have decided to accept that sometimes things that may work for others may not work for me. I have accepted that I am not in control any of it, no matter how many ovulation kits I use, no matter how many times I take my temperature, and not matter how many medications I try.
And when I dig even deeper, I realize that:
Acceptance means being ok with where I am at.
Acceptance means being able to not worry or be fearful of the future.
Acceptance means being ok with not having control.
Acceptance means loving myself for who I am, flaws and all.
Acceptance means not being so hard on myself.
Acceptance is being able to live in the moment.
Acceptance is understanding there is a bigger picture we cannot always see and the journey is not set in stone.
And, acceptance means being grateful for every experience, every moment, and every person in my life.
Without knowing what the future holds, and maybe sometimes while holding my breath, I accept, because that is all I can do to move forward.
Thanks for reading.