Today is my birthday. And as is with every birthday, I think a lot of self reflection occurs as we age another year.
Some may say, “Oh it’s just another day,” or “Your age is just a number.” But it isn’t just another day and it isn’t just another number. It’s the day I entered this earth. And it is the number of years I have experienced so far in my journey and spiritual awakening.
Our birthday is the day we get to celebrate who we are and what we want to be. It is the day we declare out loud who we are with pride and no apologies. It is the day we get to feel extra special and extra loved. Today, however, my emotions and reflections have been amplified. And let’s face it, there is no greater kick in the butt than facing yourself in the mirror on your birthday, asking yourself some hard questions and coming to some serious realizations.
Being “awakened” has put a spotlight on me, what I am doing, and what I am not doing for myself and my growth. I know I am meant to help others and make a difference somehow, but sometimes I feel lost. Sometimes I feel like my voice gets lost in a sea of voices. Sometimes I feel like what I have to say doesn’t matter and there are a million other people saying the same things.
If I’m being honest here, I have not been following my heart. I have not been spending the time on the things that matter to me. I have been focused on my anxiety, longing and sadness. I have been dwelling on not getting the things accomplished that I want to get accomplished, not having a baby, etc. I have spent way too much time second guessing, doubting myself, fearful of the future, and stuck in the past. It is easy to give advice to others and point out other people’s truths. But, when I really have to dig deep to scrape out the parts of myself hiding in the corner, my own truths can be difficult to face:
“Am I making a difference?”
“Am I helping others?”
“Am I being heard?”
“Am I fulfilling my dreams?”
“Am I doing the things that my heart is guiding me to do to feel fulfilled?”
But, how can I be heard if I stay silent? How can I become fulfilled if I don’t do the things that fulfill me? How can I make a difference if I don’t believe that I can?
Life isn’t about getting to the last paragraph of the book to see how the story ends. (even though I am totally guilty of doing that before…lol) Life is about experiencing the story, being able to feel excited to see where it takes you, laugh at the funny stuff, and cry at the sad stuff. It is about being invested in it 100%, feet first, no fear and all faith. It is about being totally in the moment as your eyes read word after word, sentence after sentence, paragraph after paragraph, hopeful of the outcome. In your life, you get to be the author of your own story.
Writing from my heart and being the author of my own story has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. Working to heal myself physically, mentally, and spiritually have probably been the biggest challenges of my life but I’m not done yet. I’m just getting started.
Today, on my birthday, I am beginning to heal myself. I am declaring to the universe that I am ready to move forward. I am ready to fulfill my dreams. I am ready to be heard. Today I am celebrating all of me. The sad parts, the silly parts, the stubborn parts, the happy parts, the broken parts, and the wise parts. And I am embracing where I am because I am writing MY story moment to moment and I have to be OK not knowing the ending.
What if we could all look at our lives that way? Authors of our own story in suspense and excitement of what happens next. Laughing, crying, and hopeful of what may come. No fear, just suspense. All the while, doing all the things that make us feel fulfilled and make our individual stories interesting and joyful.
It’s not out of reach. It’s within our grasp. We just have to make a choice and follow through. We have to believe in ourselves.
So here I am, on my birthday. 37 years old. Waking up. Rising up. Speaking up. I am a work in progress, learning and growing through the lessons God has given me.
I have to believe that I am making a difference. I know writing is part that dream. If any of the words above resonate with you, if any of it in some small way helps you while on your path, then I am fulfilled and full of joy.
And there is so much story left to be written for each of us.
What a beautiful gift we have been given, this life.
With love from above,